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My heart is broken!

by Alicia in New posts

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I am reaching out to you..  for advice. I am having a really tough time lately. Madelyn will not nurse any more (she is 8 months old). When I try to nurse her, she arches her back and screams like I am hurting her.
First, let me give you a little bit of history. I knew that I wanted to breastfeed Madelyn for at least one year before she was even born. I was only able to breastfeed Sebastian for 6 weeks and stopped because a lactation consultant told me that it would be better for him and me due to the stress it was causing both of us. Now, 7 years later, I know better.
Madelyn was never a great nurser (she only nursed for 2 or 3 minutes per side), but I stuck with nursing her exclusively for almost 4 months. Then after listening to my Mom tell me that she wasn’t nursing long enough to do any good, I decided to start supplementing with formula. I would breastfeed, then she would immediately gulp down a 4 -6 ounce bottle. This was our routine for 3 months.

Where things started to go crazy was when I had to go to an
Urgent Care center because I was having bad pains in my abdomen. I was
told that I had several ovarian cysts that were rupturing and I needed
to be on 2 antibiotics, one of which can not be taken while
breastfeeding… so much to my dismay, I stopped breastfeeding while I
was on the medicine. I couldn’t pump because this was during
Thanksgiving and we were staying with relatives in Kentucky where I
didn’t have access to a good Breastpump.
I have continued to try
to nurse Madelyn but she gets so upset when I start to even put her in
the nursing position now. She absolutely will not nurse. I feel so
guilty that I am not breastfeeding her any more. Now she has a nasty
cold and I feel like she wouldn’t have gotten sick if I had been
breastfeeding her.  I have gotten to the point where I am being
irrational in thinking that when she is older every time she gets sick
I am going to blame myself for not breastfeeding her for a year!
When I try to pump these days I get one ounce in the morning and one in the evening. That’s it.

Another note: My doctor  diagnosed me with adrenal failure which I
should  be taking medication for, but I can’t take it while
breastfeeding, so I have done without. I know I should take care of
myself, but I feel like Madelyn’s health comes first and I should do
whatever I can to breastfeed. I have the medicine and I take it out
most mornings, but I put it away everyday thinking maybe today she will
nurse again.

Anyone who has been in the same situation or if you have any advice I would be so glad to hear it!

Thank you for listening!

Alicia

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