Personal: How To Get My Daughter To *Want* To Give Hugs

She really is sweet!

I never thought that my daughter would be my less affectionate child.  I just assumed that girls are more affectionate and loving than boys.  That’s not the case with my daughter.  She’s not my affectionate child.  I love her dearly and am so blessed to have her in my life but it is strange to me that she doesn’t want to snuggle or give me hugs like my son did when he was her age.

I’m starting to believe that what comes around goes around.  When I was a pre-teen my mom bought me a book about hugging. I wasn’t a fan of hugging or affection in general and now I know how sad that made my mom.

Madelyn practically knocks Tim (my husband) down with huge hugs when he gets home from work.  Me?  I have to beg for hugs. At bedtime.  Before I leave for a business trip.  When I get home from a business trip.  Anytime.

I am not going to let her see that my feelings are hurt because I don’t want her to give me hugs just because she feels sorry for me but darn.. my feelings are hurt and I don’t know how to handle the situation.  I’m not going to force her to hug me although I practically beg (in a non-obvious way) some days.

She always wants me to play with her but when I ask her for a hug she acts shy like I’m invisible or I’m putting her out.

My son is my affectionate child and I am very grateful that he still gives me hugs and kisses.  He is twelve and I thought he would have grown out of giving me hugs and kisses but thank goodness, he hasn’t.  I don’t know what I’d do if neither of my kids wanted to hug me.

I’m on a press trip for work this week and when I left today it was nearly impossible to get a genuine hug out of Madelyn.  Meanwhile, Sebastian gave me a great big bear hug and a kiss and said “I love you mom”.

Do you have a young child who is not very affectionate? How do you handle it?

Alicia Hagan, Editor

2 thoughts on “Personal: How To Get My Daughter To *Want* To Give Hugs

  1. What you need to ask yourself is why do you need the hug?

    In working with children, I encounter many individuals who work with children because they need the positive attention a child can give, rather than focusing on helping the child be happy, independent and confident. Some well meaning parents and educators have the need to be needed; parents want to be missed and actually seem to crave the separation anxieties that children display in parting with mom. These practices lend themselves to codependency which is a very difficult, emotional and psychological pattern to break.
    If you would like to hug your child, ask them if you can give them a hug. If they say no, then no means no. It doesn’t change the fact that they love you and need you. They need you to help them to see that they are able; able to try new things, seek out new adventures, be confident, inquisitive. Be happy that you have raised such a confident, independent child.

    1. Thank you for the comment! Your thoughts are exactly why I do not force my daughter to hug me. I don’t pout about it or fuss about it in front of her. I just want to learn how to encourage her to enjoy hugging.

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